I'll admit it. I'm a whore for merchandise. I'm at my most capitalistic when I'm at a convention or in Tokyo Toys or somewhere similar, squealing over t-shirts and mugs and keyrings and figurines and posters and all that fun stuff. I don't collect things exactly, but it brings me a certain amount of satisfaction to amass these sorts of belongings. However, in my journeys through the dark underbelly of the internet, I have inevitably discovered a good deal of truly bizarre merchandise. Granted, almost all of these items are unofficial. But the fact remains that someone, somewhere, has decided to market them as merchandise, presumably in the belief that it would help sales.

In any case, I figured that it was about time to share some of this stuff, considering the amount of confusion and lulz that it has brought to my life. My collection is Death Note-related, but only because that's currently my most obsessive fandom. I'm sure you can find these sorts of things in every popular franchise. It was difficult to pick my favourite 10, and even more so to rank them in order; after all, to a certain extent, weirdness is relative, and you may disagree with the order I've chosen. Nevertheless, I hope you gain something from this list - if only the disquieting knowledge that fandom is a shadowy and unusual place.

#10 - L Hand Warmer
This didn't seem all that weird to me until I started thinking about it a little more. So, it's a plastic pouch, with a picture of everyone's favourite quirky insomniac detective on it, that you squeeze and flex until it heats up. At this point you hold it tightly in your hands or against your chillier areas, so that L can bring you heat and comfort through those cold winter nights. Awww yeaaaaahhh.

#9 - Kira "Finger Puppet" Plush
Look, I understand why you might want to get the finger puppets themselves. They're little and pocket-sized, make good mascots, and sit precisely on the fence separating cute from disturbing. But this? This is far, far too large to pull off that particular balancing act; this is just disturbing. A 12-inch plush is designed to be the right size cuddling - but would you really want to give this thing a hug? It looks like it's about to rape you. True nightmare fuel.

#8 - Misa Captive Figurine
I've seen these a few times, and while they're hardly the most eye-poppingly bizarre objects I've come across, I can't help but find them horribly creepy. Granted, some people probably did find those scenes rather titillating. I understand that completely, and heaven knows I'm not one to judge. But surely, buying a figurine of it is just a little... inappropriate. This gives me more of an uncomfortable antsy feeling than an "OMGWTF", but still.

#7 - Ryuk Wind Ball
There isn't too much I can say about this, because I have yet to discover exactly what it is. It was listed as a "wind ball" with no further details, meaning that my mind has come up with quite a few possible explanations, very few of which are either appropriate or plausible. My current explanation is that it's a form of wind chime. And surely, if that is the case, it's one of the strangest ideas for an anime branded product there is. Looking at it though, it could easily be a bauble, in which case - still. WTF.

#6 - Nail Clipper Bottle Opener
Death Note branded bottle opener? Why not? We all need to open bottles once in a while, and the addition of a little anime nerdiness only enhances the experience. Death Note nail clipper? Er, sure. A little less common, but there's no reason not to go there, I guess. It's when the two items are combined that it becomes truly weird. I don't know about you, but it's a very rare occasion when I find my need for bottle openers overlapping with my need to trim my toenails. Then there's the fact that the whole item comes on a convenient keychain, so you can cut your nails and open a refreshing beverage, while enjoying the presence of your nerdy fandom, all at once - on the go! And the hygiene of this is just... don't think about it.

#5 - Chocolate Note Book
So let me get this straight. It's a notebook... in the shape of a bar of chocolate. On the inside it looks like the actual death note, right down to the names already written into it. But on the cover, it's been made to look like squares of chocolate, complete with bite marks taken out of it. One can only imagine that this is some sort of misplaced Mello tribute - which begs the question of why exactly each chocolate square has an L on it. The whole effect is of a totally ludicrous mash-up of utterly bizarre and contradictory things, which individually have the potential to work, but which when combined cause a chain reaction of weird which the human brain is ill-equipped to comprehend.

#4 -"Death Note Cuties" T-shirt
This needs very little explanation, but at the same time it needs so much that if I attempted to actually offer some, the sun would explode before I could finish. Essentially, though, it's exactly what it looks like - a t-shirt featuring a picture of Death Note characters as the Powerpuff Girls. It's the sort of image a fanartist might create as part of an in-joke, or after noticing some sort of vaguely humorous connection between the two fandoms. So why, in that case, has it been put on a t-shirt?! It implies that the concept is actually popular enough to be worthwhile marketing - and that implies that the world is a very, very strange place.

#3 - Death Note Face Masks
Again, these require no explanation and at the same time an infinite amount. These in fact bear the closest resemblance to surgical masks: they've clearly been designed to cover the nose and mouth. The auction listing gives no reason why any normal person would ever have the need to wear a face mask in their daily life, and so even without the added factor of the inexplicable anime branding, these are truly odd objects. If anyone can help me work out why these exist, it would be greatly appreciated.

#2 - ???????
Quite frankly, your guess is as good as mine. I have absolutely no idea what these are. I found them on the same site as a lot of the other items on this list, sitting there happily in the Death Note category between necklaces and shoulder bags. I have since returned to look at them many times. I am at a loss. What are they?! And why, if they are Death Note merchandise, do they bear no outward signs of the connection? As the rest of this list ought to demonstrate, it takes very little to turn a standard item into a Death Note-branded item: putting a skull or the letter L on it is probably enough. So why, that being the case, do these little furry... things offer no clue as to their purpose or link with the series? This is the most frustrating item on my list, by far. WHAT ARE THEY?!

#1 - Computer Mini Vacuum
The minute I saw this, I knew that it deserved the number one slot. Nothing that I have found so far even remotely compares to the glory of this object. It is, indeed, what it says on the tin. It is a miniature vacuum cleaner, designed for the purpose of cleaning your computer in general and your keyboard in particular. Already, this is showing clear signs of a truly bizarre and pointless object. The stinger, of course, is that this is being marketed as merchandise. As far as I can work out, there is nothing in its physical appearance to suggest a link to the franchise, the only connection being in its packaging. Once you have opened this object and are happily using it to vacuum your keyboard, nobody would be any the wiser as to its secret identity as an rare, collectible piece of anime merchandise. But you would know. You would be all too aware of its origins, and that is what gives this item its unique power. Highly deserving of the top spot.

I hope you've enjoyed this list. If you have any insights, contributions of your own favourite pieces of weird merchandise, or explanations as to what exactly some of the more inexplicable objects actually are, that would be highly appreciated.

...I have no life.